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Things are Changing
Nov. 8th, 2002 11:30 pmTonight he moved away. In my heart I know it's what is the best for him, but I can't help but feel sad that a part of my life is over. I don't like feeling selfish- I want to be completely happy, but part of me is jealous that everyone gets to move on before me. I feel as though when I moved home, I stepped out of the river of life, and I am simply sitting on the bank watching the lives of others wash away from me.
I have been off kilter all day. I forgot my bracelet this morning, and I was running late so couldn't turn around and come home to get it. That just completely made me crazy. Had it been my rings or my necklace or my watch I would have turned around. I couldn't have functioned without them. It was hard not to come back to get my bracelet. It makes me feel connected so I felt out of place all day.
Least it is a 3 day weekend. Yay! I need the time off. I can't wait for Thanksgiving then Christmas. Maybe things will get better then. I hope so, I don't know how things can get any worse.
Jason told me today that the final straw for him would have been when the kids tried to set my jeans on fire. I agree, almost completely. I am staying out of respect to the four or five kids who would be disappointed when I leave. Which also upsets me because I should be able to put my friends- actually more like family- in front of students.
On another completely unrelated thought- My friend dave is so awesome. The way he has done a 180 in is life amazes and inspires me. I am so proud of him.
*goes to sit in a dark corner and cry over my broken heart
This is a poem I wrote the other day. It's not the best I have written by far, but it's the most accurate for right now.
I see the world as if
I am looking though a veil
No brilliant colors, vibrant and true,
Only shades of dark and pale.
The alcohol always numbs the pain,
But it comes back just as strong
Why am I here; still on this earth,
If my whole life is wrong?
I scream but no one listens,
I cry but no one hears-
What good am I to be alive
If no one shares my fears?
I want to end the pain, the hurt,
I want to end it all.
Will anyone care? Will anyone want
To be there- to catch me when I fall?
*back to my corner now*
I have been off kilter all day. I forgot my bracelet this morning, and I was running late so couldn't turn around and come home to get it. That just completely made me crazy. Had it been my rings or my necklace or my watch I would have turned around. I couldn't have functioned without them. It was hard not to come back to get my bracelet. It makes me feel connected so I felt out of place all day.
Least it is a 3 day weekend. Yay! I need the time off. I can't wait for Thanksgiving then Christmas. Maybe things will get better then. I hope so, I don't know how things can get any worse.
Jason told me today that the final straw for him would have been when the kids tried to set my jeans on fire. I agree, almost completely. I am staying out of respect to the four or five kids who would be disappointed when I leave. Which also upsets me because I should be able to put my friends- actually more like family- in front of students.
On another completely unrelated thought- My friend dave is so awesome. The way he has done a 180 in is life amazes and inspires me. I am so proud of him.
*goes to sit in a dark corner and cry over my broken heart
This is a poem I wrote the other day. It's not the best I have written by far, but it's the most accurate for right now.
I see the world as if
I am looking though a veil
No brilliant colors, vibrant and true,
Only shades of dark and pale.
The alcohol always numbs the pain,
But it comes back just as strong
Why am I here; still on this earth,
If my whole life is wrong?
I scream but no one listens,
I cry but no one hears-
What good am I to be alive
If no one shares my fears?
I want to end the pain, the hurt,
I want to end it all.
Will anyone care? Will anyone want
To be there- to catch me when I fall?
*back to my corner now*
