*sigh*

I have discovered that i have become obssessed with plans and everything falling into neat little rows. I used to be this way when i was little. Everything had to be exactly the same everytime I did something. The stuffed animals in the exact same places before i could go to bed, having the same routine when i woke up in the morning- right down to saying the people's names in my bedtime prayer in the same order every night. My world was controlled by routines of my own design. These routines began to relax some as I went through high school, and had, with a few exceptions, disappeared by the time the 2nd semester of my senior year of college came around. I had discovered that world didn't stop turning if I brushed my teeth then combed my hair in the morning or I put on my blue jeans before I put on my bra. Then through out that semester a few things resurfaced because of the stress I was under at madison elem, then disappeared once I began working at Bellaire. Those last 2 months of college I finally felt ready to be on my own. I felt confident that I could "roll with the punches" and not curl up at the touch of adversity.

Then I moved home. And as hard as i tried to hold onto the lessons I had learned, old habits began to surface. Slowly and surely the freedoms I had allowed myself began to slip away and I locked myself into the routines of my childhood. It's difficult to explain to someone how it ruins my day if I forget my bracelet or I don't go check my mailbox before school starts. The big one has become the internet. I have sites that I check in a particular order every night when I get online. I look for specific people on AIM. When I go 2 days without talking to jason online i get sick. Part of that is a miss jason, but part of it is the routine. I haven't completed part of the routine so the day isn't done, and i can't rest.

The moral of this tale is that everything I feared would happen to me if I moved home did. The world scares me because I can't control what happens "out there." here in the safety of my room I can control things- live out my routines. Out there is unpredictable and frightening. Things might not go as I want them to.

The main thing that keeps me from giving up and just giving in to this world i have created is Jason. On one level its because he keeps trying to pull me out, to remind me that my demons have no control that i don't give them. And on another level I feel like I have to be strong for him- to pull him away from his demons.

Which will win? the demons of my past or the promise of something better? Only time will tell.

still makes me sad no one loves me enough to comment on my journal.