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brain dump
Nov. 27th, 2007 10:05 pmSo, the season is getting to me. The lack of sunlight, the cold weather, and holidays in general are leaving me depressed.
I'm obsessing about my birthday- it's a long cycle of low self esteem, and some other issues. Just because I understand why I do the things I do doesn't mean I can fix them.
I so want this birthday to be special, but I'm beating myself up for it. I don't feel like I deserve it. Lots of self analyzation (and beating myself up)- I will probably end up spending my birthday alone because I was too scared to ask anyone and no one has asked me yet.
I'm also depressed about my weight. I haven't really gained any lately, but I can't seem to lose. I seriously wonder if I have an eating disorder. I could eat and eat and eat, and it doesn't matter if I'm full or not. Some is caused by my need for order- I have to eat 3 meals a day, and some is I get depressed and eat the wrong thing so I feel guilty, and that causes me to eat more. not a good cycle. I get so disgusted with the way I look, and I work out, and it doesn't change. I had a dream the other night in which Phil and Dave were ridculing me about my weight. "Geez, you're fat" "I really think she's putting some weight back on, especially in the stomach." It was pretty disturbing.
I have also become slightly obsessed with the dog idea. I really really wanted to ask Dave for a dog for my birthday. I just didn't think I could ask that of him. Then I wonder if he would have done it if I'd asked him, and I get caught again in a negative feedback loop. I had decided that if a miracle didn't occur and on appeared for my birthday, I was taking my last 2 vacation days on the 11th and 12th, and going to the animal shelter on the 8th. Jennifer squashed that by saying she doesn't think it would give the dog time to adjust before Christmas. She's probably right. I just feel like I've been waiting for something since July... I do think it would help my general mood to have a pet.
My coworker got the schnauzer puppy- the one I wanted. I am really happy for her. His name is Fritz.
I feel very isolated right now, like I'm watching people, but I'm behind a glass wall. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to either, which sucks.
Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed, and by the time I get home from work, all I want to do is sit.
I'm sure I could come up with more, like with work, and money, and my car but I should try to go to bed.
I'm obsessing about my birthday- it's a long cycle of low self esteem, and some other issues. Just because I understand why I do the things I do doesn't mean I can fix them.
I so want this birthday to be special, but I'm beating myself up for it. I don't feel like I deserve it. Lots of self analyzation (and beating myself up)- I will probably end up spending my birthday alone because I was too scared to ask anyone and no one has asked me yet.
I'm also depressed about my weight. I haven't really gained any lately, but I can't seem to lose. I seriously wonder if I have an eating disorder. I could eat and eat and eat, and it doesn't matter if I'm full or not. Some is caused by my need for order- I have to eat 3 meals a day, and some is I get depressed and eat the wrong thing so I feel guilty, and that causes me to eat more. not a good cycle. I get so disgusted with the way I look, and I work out, and it doesn't change. I had a dream the other night in which Phil and Dave were ridculing me about my weight. "Geez, you're fat" "I really think she's putting some weight back on, especially in the stomach." It was pretty disturbing.
I have also become slightly obsessed with the dog idea. I really really wanted to ask Dave for a dog for my birthday. I just didn't think I could ask that of him. Then I wonder if he would have done it if I'd asked him, and I get caught again in a negative feedback loop. I had decided that if a miracle didn't occur and on appeared for my birthday, I was taking my last 2 vacation days on the 11th and 12th, and going to the animal shelter on the 8th. Jennifer squashed that by saying she doesn't think it would give the dog time to adjust before Christmas. She's probably right. I just feel like I've been waiting for something since July... I do think it would help my general mood to have a pet.
My coworker got the schnauzer puppy- the one I wanted. I am really happy for her. His name is Fritz.
I feel very isolated right now, like I'm watching people, but I'm behind a glass wall. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to either, which sucks.
Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed, and by the time I get home from work, all I want to do is sit.
I'm sure I could come up with more, like with work, and money, and my car but I should try to go to bed.
